#ElanaZiandi, our first born who left us too soon

I remember how I desperately wished her to woke up in my arm after 2 hours. I wish everything just happened is not true (denial). I heard a story of a baby brought back alive after a skin-to-skin contact with his mom (kangaroo care). Tried that. Nothing happened

I WAS FORCED NOT TO CRY (which after 9months passed the event now, I think this is the most stupid thing one has told me, Id never forgive that) although its something DEFINITELY NOT TO LAUGH ABOUT

Can you instantly shut down your humanity? Teach me please

I am grateful for a supportive husband, I asked him a lot of things and he put up with me, listen to me, telling me constantly he couldnt find answers (which is true because I certainly question a lot of things beyond one's logic)

When we had a doctor friend visiting, I started bombarding him with questions -including the ultimate : "How to tell if the MA/MO/Staff Nurses etc negligence in their daily practise? It went behind me".

During the grief counselling (automatically enrolled to a session) they still do not give precise answers I asked: 

1. How did she get an infection? 

2. She is doing fine even the day before the death. How? How long does it takes until an infection become a sepsis? 12 hours? 

Please KKM, not shaming your entire body purpose but please provide detailed answers. Its funny how we technical people have to analyze all details where you medical officers can get away with "we didnt know". Its unfair

So yeah, I met an acquaintances from the KKM as well agreed that as long as I didnt get the precise answers of the cause of death of Elana, I am still in anger

Sooooo angry Id forbid any of my child to become a doctor/nurse =.=

So yeah, that is the ANGRY stage. Still feeling it

Of course, I wish (to God) I would have made things differently. I wished I didnt give birth in the public hospital 

(which I think I wont give birth in public hospitals -ever!)

I even wish I wasnt Malaysian! (being not a developed country)

Grief leads to Stress (S48 told me), followed by Depressions (I think)

But in case you want to overcome the depression, Id suggest you keep being busy

I was busy planning for Phuket and Sydney trip (both communicates using foreign language/not our mother tongue) so we went there fully prepared

Holiday, or go on a trip to ensure you wont always think about the grief, so you wont feel too much stress

The best way to learn acceptance is telling yourself:

"There are things you cant control"

Tell me about it! Growing up, I certainly work hard to be what I am now. I am so focused to getting my life better through education and hard work, I believe Ive tried hard enough this whole time too

I know this whole life-and-death thing is beyond my control

I am still in Stage 3 to 5, but I think I am doing fine. 

I know I did nothing wrong, not contributing to to Elana's death so I find peace myself there

Your story might be totally different than mine -I just shared my thoughts and experiences

And I hope everyone knows engineers make a better living through technologies so you'd feel safer (car to make commuting to work/travel across distances easier) and even better equipments to doctors (think nano cameras, robotic arms, scanners etc) and please do not waste engineers time!

But then there will be a balance between life and death I supposed

Are we living in the best of time or the worst of time?