I would rather not talk about this. I really do..

Elana passed away due to : Septic Shock with Prematurity

In the NICU, Elana was progressing well. My husband visited Elana everyday.

Everyday we've been told only the good news. She weaned off Oxygen (On Day 5), her brain scan shows no hemorrhage, her x-ray result shows no infection, etc.

She last weighed 815g and her next weighing supposed to be on the day she left us.

Elana left us without warning, unannounced. I can hardly accept this fact. I always believed Elana was  A-OK and gonna make it through in the NICU..

I went to the grief counseling on Hospital Raja Permaisuri Bainun, Ipoh and talked with the head PAED. She was not helpful. She said even something like, "You should avoid giving birth to Premature babies". I sarcastically replied, "Who on earth would want that?" Baby with the size of a ketchup bottle..

When I said I want a medical report of Elana, she even said "What for?"

Me, monolog: What are you, monster?

So one of my subordinates recently asked me how I am now. I only replied this;

"The death of Elana has nothing to do with me. She is in the care of PAED and nurses in NICU HRPB, Ipoh the whole time. Elana was progressing well, even the day before she passed away. What happened behind the curtain, I would never know. 

I believed God knows best and will punish those who is so careless (if they are being careless with Elana the whole time). Im in no position to seek the truth, because I believe Allah the Almighty. I shall believe the afterlife.

For the ache that I feel, I can never forgive anyone involved in the death of Elana"

P.s. This is only natural to a person who lost her baby.. (just so you didnt know)